I’m having a rough day today, so I’m going to throw a pity party and rant. Don’t wanna hear it? Don’t read it. Still reading? That’s on you. 

Today was the day I was supposed to have my right hip replacement surgery, at LONG LAST!! I’ve been waiting years for relief from this incessant and crippling pain. I was extremely nervous but very excited to be on the other side of it and start straightening my life back out. Activity, walking, perhaps even working a real job when Felix gets into an ABA program (he’s currently on the waiting list). 

But here I am, sitting at home, still in pain. With a continuing cough that has been with me for a full 2 weeks now. It’s better, but not gone. No other symptoms besides a small amount of nasal congestion. I’m not eligible to reschedule my surgery until I’m 100% symptom-free. And then I have to maintain perfect health for the 2 weeks leading up to surgery again. During cold and flu season, with a child that licks everything. 

Not only am I dealing with health issues, but I’m actively supporting all 3 of my adult kids. I can barely survive on my own, but money and support is going to them anyway.  My first born, I’ll call them AJ (23) needs help with household items and a couple small portions of bills every month. He needs SSI but doesn’t have it, and cannot keep a job to literally save his life. My second born, I’ll call them CG (21) just went through a crisis and is very temporarily staying on my couch, with no plan going forward. And my third born, I’ll call them LE (20) has been living with me, and refuses to attend therapy, get any sort of diagnosis for meds, or work a job with any consistency. 

And what happens when I need help with something? Like moving, or help with mobility or housework, or any number of other seemingly simple tasks that I struggle with.  Is there anyone there to help me without a fight? Nope. I’m just an ATM, a personal assistant, a driver. I don’t often hear a thank you or anything. I’m entirely taken for granted, it feel. 

Meanwhile, I struggle to keep up on the basic bills that make my own household run. To buy the basic necessities we need. 

I told them all today that they have until summer to figure out the next step, a plan for themselves individually. Whether they start pushing for SSI, get into therapy with community resources, get jobs, find roommates or partners to help support them, or whatever…. It can no longer be me.

I’m tired. Exhausted, even. I had the older 3 kids young so this season of my life could be slower, more laid back. I no longer thrive in the chaos of having a home full of active kids. I love them all deeply, just the same. But it’s time for them all to spread their wings and find their own places in this world. It’s beyond time. 

In the meanwhile, I’m trying to figure out how to get through my daily tasks with the chronic pain I’m still enduring, just barely able to do enough to provide basic care for myself, while balancing all of the money and errand needs of the adult kids, and Felix’s needs as essentially a young toddler in a strong near-7-year old body. I feel so used and useless most days. This life is very unrewarding as it currently stands. This is NOT where I thought I would be at 45 years old. 

What I want: for all 3 adult kids to be at least mostly independent and not living with me. For Felix and I to have a place of our own, just the 2 of us. For my hip replacement to finally be done and out of the way so I can be more comfortable and capable. And for our home to be a haven for us both. It seems like such an impossibility right now. But that’s what I want.